My kids play a lot of sports.
Softball, Basketball, Volleyball, Swimming, and Soccer.  And let me tell you, we hear a whole lot of stuff on the sidelines. 

News about divorces. Catty nonsense about Hoochie Mama parents. Dumb mumblings about people’s cats and dogs that we care not about. And lots and lots of rude remarks about life in general.

This past weekend as my kid played her heart out on the soccer field, among a group of similarly sized, talented and aged children (she plays on a Co-Ed team), we encountered the ramblings of one extremely boorish idiot.

Now to be fair, I’ve been knowing this guy is an idiot since I first met him 2 years ago. So, this is no revelation. It’s just that usually he retains his idiocy for the love of his family and for the humiliation of himself alone. But this weekend, he enveloped the entire team into his fold. Making me want to to dig a deep hole, cut off his baby maker, throw it inside, and cover with dirt.  And I know that’s not nice. And I really shouldn’t say that. But please, just listen.

 The kids are running up and down the field, playing their hardest. They are down one player. They deflect, they shoot, they attack. It’s hot, but they muster through the pain. A member of the opposing team darts down the center of the field, dribbling the ball, and shoots a crazy kick right into goal.

Score.
Them:  1
Us:  0

It’s okay. We still have plenty of time. So the parents start to rally and cheer, and the above mentioned knucklehead starts chanting.

“It’s alright GIRLS!!! SHOW THEM A LITTLE GIRL POWER! YOU GIRLS ARE DOING GREAT!”

Remember, this is a Co-Ed team. He continues to walk up and down the sideline, directly in front of all the parents, while SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, and intermittently jumping up and down.

“DON’T WORRY THAT THEY HAVE 11 PLAYERS AND WE ONLY HAVE 10, YOU GIRLS ARE DOING GREAT. WE ONLY HAVE THREE BOYS,  So ITS Okay that you’re not scoring as much!  JUST KEEP UP With THEM. Show them Girl Power!!!!!  Don’t let those boys scare you!!!  Show those boys you can be strong too! Don’t worry that they are faster and stronger, just try to keep up! WE ONLY HAVE THREE BOYS! Don’t worry!!!!”

And that lasted for ummm. . . . .60 FREAKIN’ MINUTES. During which time I wanted to hurl exactly 900 times.

Now, I could have said something. But I didn’t for these reasons below.

1. One of my absolute favorite people in the whole world (truthfully), my husbands best friend- now hereafter known as Caveman #2,  is also an idiot and was taunting me and his wife to say something to the aforementioned Caveman. So, I couldn’t because THEN if I said something it would have been because he told me to and that would’ve further perpetuated the notion that men rule the world, set in motion by screaming lunatic caveman #1. No win situation.

2.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, right? He has the right to think whatever he wants. Even if it is antiquated, wrong, and has the mental capacity of an ant.

3. I was scared? This one I’m on the fence about. Did I refuse to say something because then, I’d have to defend my position that women are just as capable as men? And then what if I did defend womankind, and he still didn’t shut up? I might just have hauled off and popped him. Which would have resulted in him plunging for me, and I hate to say it, but he’s a really fit man. And then because even though I would have tried to hold my own, my husband wouldn’t have wanted my butt kicked so he would have jumped in and beat the mess out of that man. And while my husband was whipping up on Caveman #1 to within an inch of his life, his best friend (caveman #2 – see reason #1) would have jumped in trying to hold my husband back, just when the police would have shown up. And then they would have all been taken to jail and it was our day to do snacks, and I needed help passing out the Gatorade and Chex Mix, and if all that happened, I would have had to do it all by myself. So maybe, I was scared. A little. Like I said, I’m still on the fence about that one.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

If I could have reacted anyway I wanted, and it would have been deemed socially acceptable, I would have ran up and down the sidelines too. Waving my arms frantically. Slapping that man over and over and over and over again.

It would have been great.
Even better if I was a centipede/woman/feminist/crazy lady.

Because not only could I use my handy plethora of arms to slap that man repeatedly, they would also come in handy, rocking the baby, cooking dinner, running a business, and ruling the world.

How To Make A Giant Centipede For Your Yard

What You Need:

1 Flexible Aluminum Air Duct ( $10 -$20 Dollars depending on size. I used 7″diameter x 8′ length and it was $15. Find them at you local hardware store.)
1 roll of Duct Tape
Aluminum Foil
Micro Tubing, Optional (I used this for the antennae but you could also use alumnimum foil as I do with the legs)
Bamboo Screwer, optional (to be used with the tubing)
Hot Glue Gun
Brown and White Spray Paint
Black Spray paint, optional

How to Do it:
1. Stretch out the air duct to the desired length.  Carefully try to close the mouth at each end. The mouth won’t close completely, and doesn’t need to.

2. Duct tape each end of the air duct closed. Make sure it is sealed well.

3. To Make The Legs:
Tear off a strip of aluminum foil to about 27″. Roll lengthwise. Wrap with duct tape. Repeat  until the desired amount of legs are made. I made 14 (which will be 28 legs).

4. Duct Tape legs onto the center portion of the air duct so that they are evenly distributed down the body of the centipede.

5. To Make the Antennae:
Cut the Micro Tubing to the desired length. Duct Tape to the end to the head. Run a bamboo screwer down the center of the tubing to help hold its shape. Duct tape the end of the microtubing to seal shut. Repeat the same process for the last two protuding legs of the centipede.

7. Spray the body of the centipede brown. Spray legs and attenae white. Once dry add a little brown to the legs, and black to the back of the centipede.  Let dry, place in yard with medal dowels bent around the centipede and staked into the ground to hold in place.

Happy Halloween, you crazy bats!!!!!