Darn It! What the Heck Am I Crying For?

It’s 4 a.m. and the clock is ticking. Every second the hand makes another tick. There it goes again. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Time is going by, the children are getting older, and I think I’m about to hyperventilate.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Anxiety is taking over. But I tell myself, this feeling will pass. 

But it doesn’t. It’s gets worse. My eyes are beginning to sting. Salt trails are lining my cheeks.

I have a stabbing, churning pain in my stomach, and it’s not gas.

The first day of school is in two days, and I thought I was prepared.  I bought all the supplies, new clothes, and snacks.  Organized everybody’s closet, and set earlier bed times. We’ve been reading, working on math and writing. My kids are so ready for school.  But I’m not. 

I’m not ready for them to leave.  For them to grow. It’s all going too fast. My soul is screaming to the heavens, please wait, slow down. Because I know.  At 4 a.m. I know that thing that I push to the back of my mind.  But at 4 a.m. it can’t hide. The silence won’t mask it.

That menacing, creeping knowledge, that these are the good old days.  That these are the days I’ll be reminiscing about when I’m old. The days I’ll miss. The days when my house was always abustle with craziness, food, and love, and when we giggled and yelled in the same breathe.

Please God, please, make the time go slower.  Put us on pause, for just awhile.  Or better yet, replay. I’m not ready for the summer to end.

Phoebe and Bella being sisters.
Soledad loving Nana.
Shelbi medals in Basketball.
Me and Pops, just sittin’ back.
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14 thoughts on “Darn It! What the Heck Am I Crying For?”

  4. Ahhh, I’m right there with you, sister. And, trust me you’d do well to cherish those memories. I can’t believe the baby fairy took my little babies and left me big kids that are headed to junior high and high school. It’s not that I don’t want them to grow up and be independent, productive good citizens of the world, but the time just zipped by so fast. I love you, and I feel your pain.

  5. Hi! Your family is adorable, I’m raising my granddaughter and it seems like every time I blink my eyes another year has gone by. Time with your kids is so precious.

    I’m your newest follower from Spotlight Saturday. I hope you can stop by and say hi too!

  7. Oh Nicki, I am the WRONG person to be commenting here because I have nothing encouraging to say. We’re just another day closer to them moving out forever. I know the teachers are well-meaning and lovely, but they have my BABY there- do they even know how hilarious and sweet and fun she is? No, they don’t! Ugh. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday friend!

  10. I am your newest follower from Surfin Saturday. I am with ya girlfriend on the whole please slow down time thing!! Tears start to well up everytime I think about time going by so quickly. I know exactly what you are going through. I hope you can visit me at http://mylifeadventurebyme.blogspot.com/ and we will get each other through this. 🙂
    Shelley

  13. Oh Nicki! You’re very sensitive and intelligent to be able to see into the future like that!
    It’s just like you say, time does fly Nicki.
    Sometimes when I walk into the supermarkets where I loaded up all of my childrens favorite foods, the memories come back flooding me with the bittersweet realization that those times are over and they will be no more!
    But you know what? There are so many things to take their place… so many, you can’t even imagine, and it leaves little time for too much melancholy 🙂 believe me.

    Someone once told me,”little kids, little problems, big kids big problems” I never forgot it, and it is so true!

    As they grow you will be involved in every new phase and be kept quite busy, the workload gets bigger before it gets better honey!!!

    So enjoy them, fully, but know that you will always be involved, one never really loses them, you’ll see! Oh, and just make sure they live nearby when they marry, that’s the best!!!

  14. Hey, Nicole-if you thought you were crying before, check out this blog (copy and paste the link from below). Sassy has 3 kiddoes with one on the way (as in next week). Her story is remarkable, but the song she has playing in the background will absolutely make you cry all over again ’cause the lyrics are oh so true!
    http://dancingintherain-sassy.blogspot.com/2010/08/catch-up-post.html Love to all. -EW
    p.s. how was the first day of school? we all survived, even Alisa

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