Halloween Couple Costume: Super Heroine and Evil Villian/ Cat Burglar

In a world infested with evil.
Where crime had run amok………………
Two individuals were left to fight to the finish.
Of the same family.
Once best friends,
Now, bitter enemies.
yet. . . .
still. in. love.

Friday, October 19th. 6:30 am.

Me: Hey. I told Sam we would come by their Halloween Party tonight.

Warwick:  Okay.

Me:  That means we need costumes.

Warwick: Okay.

Me: That means we have to decide on something.

Warwick: Okay.

Me: Together!

Warwick: Hmmmm. What do you got?

Me: Well, I’m not sure if you’ll go for this. . .but I think it would be really cute. . . . . I could be a superhero and you could be . . . ..my damsel in distress. Funny. . .right?

Warwick:  No way. How ’bout I dress up as Hugh Hefner in a robe and you can be a Playboy Bunny.

Me:  Not gonna happen. You’re so sexist.

Warwick: Well, I’m not dressing up as a woman. I think you’re sexist.

Friday, October 19th, 2012  5:00 pm

(Completely pissed off, hot, sweaty, and no where near ready for a costume party after digging in the attic for 30 minutes looking for possible costumes)

Me: You know the party starts in 3 hours.

Warwick: Yeah. I know.

Me: We still don’t have costumes.

Warwick: Why don’t we go solo?

Me: What?

Warwick: You do what you want. I’ll do what I want.

Me: Not gonna happen.

Warwick: Just hear me out.

(he walks away and comes back 2 minutes later in a stupid costume.)

See.  Look. This is a great costume. If you don’t want me to be a Hugh Hefner, I could just be a rich guy. I just need a cigar.  It’ll be the best costume there!

He has a white shirt on. A robe on top. And glasses. Oh, and pouty lips. I’m sure everyone who sees him will think, Oh! That must be a rich guy.

Me: No.
Warwick: Why?
Me: No.
Friday, October 19th, 2012  7:00 pm
(standing in between the kitchen and the living room, hands in the air, looking up to God. Face is red with fury. One hand is full of dirt from digging in the yard and pulling weeds. The other hand is a cheesy mess from the Mac and Cheese I was making the kids for dinner. 1 hour till party time.)

Warwick: You know the party starts in one hour. Don’t you think you should get ready?

Me: YES!  I KNOW THE PARTY STARTS IN ONE HOUR! AND YES! I DO THINK I SHOULD GET READY! Too bad I’m too busy making your children dinner and digging the weeds out of YOUR yard to make our house and decorations look better for the neighbors party!  Plus EVEN IF I DID WANT TO GET DRESSED, WHAT WOULD I WEAR??? HUH? HUH? HUH?  WE DON’T EVEN HAVE COSTUMES!!! OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN????????

Warwick: (Silence)

Friday, October 19th, 2012  7:15 pm

Me:  Oh. I love you.

Warwick: Yeah.

Me: This is a really good idea, don’t you think?

Warwick: Yeah.

Me: You’re going to look great.

Warwick: Yeah.

Me: Just put these pantyhose on your face.
And let me paint some stubble on you. . . .so you look more gruff.
Oh! And a band aid! That’ll be perfect.

Warwick: No. I don’t want to have stubble. Can’t I just go without make up.

Me: No.

Warwick:  Well, okay. But no band aid.

Me: You have to have a band aid. Everybody knows that EVERY villain/cat burglar scratches their nose on the window during the break in. It’s a must.

Warwick:  I’ll wear it. . .I guess. But not on my noise. On my forehead.

Me: Okay. I love you. You look really cute.

Warwick: I don’t think villains are supposed to be cute.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Need two costumes in 45 minutes because you didn’t plan well?
Or you just fought with your husband all day and don’t want to put forth any effort because you’re tired and nobody in your home appreciates the importance of not just wearing crap to a Halloween Party?

Well. . . .
This is the costume for you.
Make it from stuff lying around your house.
Then fly off to your party fighting evil along the way.

Super Heroine and Evil Villain/ Cat Burglar

What You Need:

Super Heroine

Eye Shadow (red, white and blue)
Black Eyeliner Pencil
Red Hooker Lipstick
Body Glitter
Tight Red Shirt
Tight Black Pants
Tall Boots

What To Do:

1. Get a sticky note, and make yourself a reminder. . . GET RID OF THAT UGLY PINK ROBE.
2. Grab your Halloween Eye Make-Up in colors of Blue, Red, and White, and go nuts on your eyes.
3.  Using your black eyeliner pencil, line your eyes THICKLY in black. And color your eyebrows darker with black as well. This will make you look sexy ‘er’ . Hate to break it to you, but all Super Hero Women are sexy.  Your husband will still wish you were a Playboy Bunny, but this will have to do.

4.) Find some hooker lipstick. Put it on. That way if your career as a Super Hero doesn’t pan out, maybe the Playboy bunnies will give you a shot. Or do they not do that sort of thing. I’m not really sure. Maybe I should ask my sexist husband.

5.) Sprinkle a healthy dose of body glitter onto your upper chest area. This is the stardust that naturally falls onto your dewey body as you are flying through the Galaxy.

6.) Curl your hair A LOT. And then tease it to make it REALLY BIG because your big hair is a direct reflection of how strong and mighty you are. Then take a picture and realize that your hair looks the same as it always does, small.
7.) Put on a tight red shirt, and tight black pants, and tall black boots. Then take a blurry picture of yourself in which you ‘look’ skinny and post it on your blog. People will wonder why you posted this blurry picture of yourself. But you won’t care, because you looked skinny. That was reason enough.
Before taking final pictures. . .go help your husband. He’s looking like he doesn’t know what to do.
Evil Villain/ Cat Burglar
What you Need:
Black Shirt
Black Pants
Black Shoes
Black Winter Cap
Black Gloves
Black Creme Make-Up (Brown if your skin is lighter)
Make Up Sponge
Black Sock Pantyhose (with two eye holes cut into it)
Toy Handcuffs
What to Do:
1.) Tell your husband/boyfriend/fiance/girlfriend/stranger to put on all black, then set him on the edge of the tub and say, “Shhh… this won’t hurt a bit. No need to be scared.”
2.) Dab the sponge into the black creme make-up and  gently blot on his face along the jaw line. At this point, he may be yelling “less is more” and he would be right.  But “more is also more” and its Halloween, so . . . .don’t give him a mirror.
Make sure that you also get his upper lip “mustache” area,  as well as the crease that runs along side the nose down to the mouth. It’s the only way to make sure he looks good and dirty. If he opposes, remind him that Cat Burglars with baby faces and clean shiny skin get no where in life.

When he really starts to oppose. Just say, “Fine! Fine!” Because you think he may just say, “Screw it” to this whole thing.

3. Grab your pantyhose that you have cut to eye holes into and wrap it around his naughty little or BIG in my case, head. Tell your child who is taking the picture to STOP GIGGLING! or the pictures are going to be blurry!!!! GEEZ!!!
4.  Hand your husband the band aid, and hope that he does the right thing. When he tries to place it onto the bathroom counter, gently shake your head ‘no’. Urge him to place it directly over his noise, right in the middle of his face.  When he ignores you and places it on his cheek, just shrug your shoulders and be happy he put it on his face at all. 

5.) Tell him to pose and take a picture.

6.) Then for giving you so much grief today. . . . .PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

7.) Then, kick him in the stomach.

8. Cuff him and lock him away (in your heart)  forever. Then gag yourself with a spoon for saying that.

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