Pre-teens are weierd.
My 11 year old pre-teen is weird.
I’m weird too.
But not quite as weird as her.

Which, honestly.
Has me slightly envious.
Because, I love the weird.
The misunderstanding that lurks behind the mysterious.
The strange sense of curiosity of the the completely ridiculous.

Yes.
I love all things eccentric.
And I love that kid.

Ghastly grotesque,
she tickles me with her Halloween fantasies.
When she was younger, she would wet her whistle on the traditional. Princess attire, green faced witch set up. But soon she moved on to Mermaids DEAD and tangled in fishing net, a Gothic Punk Screaming Banshee, and now a Peacock Massacre.

I tell you. .. .
I couldn’t be prouder.

Though. . .
truth be told,
had I rocked this costume I would have done it completely different.
Bigger Hair.
Arrow through my head.
Ginormous Earrings.
I’m just saying.
I am the Queen of Halloween.
I invented the weird.

For Shelbi’s Peacock Massacre Look:

Wings and Mask – Party City (look for % off coupons on their website)
Turquoise T-Shirt (Thrift Store)
Blue Hair Extension, optional*
Black Tutu
Black Leggings
Black Boots
Blue and White Eye shadow
Blue Eyeliner
Black Eyeliner
Body Glitter
Light Pearly Pink Lipstick
Knife in Your Back
Fake Blood

What to do:

1. Gather materials. A.) Weird child. B.) Knife in back prop. Affix knife according to directions. (It just velcro’s around the chest. Takes like 10 seconds)

2.) Tell child it is not for her to see what is going on. So stop turning so she can see herself in the mirror!!! It is for you to see what is going on. You are important. She is not.

“Stop wiggling! Stop acting like you know what to do all the time! Do you want me to help or not?” Are all key phrases that you must continually repeat. With force. Do not let her rolling eyes deter your efforts. She knows not what she does.

3. Cut a hole in your thrift shop shirt. Pull the Knife through and adorn with fake blood. Ignore her when she asks if you read the directions. Of course you didn’t. She aught to know that you never read the directions.

4.) Grab blue hair extension that weird child begged you to buy 1 year ago. Yes, the one she has only worn once. Give her wonderful suggestions on how it could enhance her costume. Then, put it in her hair and hide it in a bun because she told you too. Why? I don’t know. I just live here.

5.) Look at her in the mirror, and admire her beauty. Look at her again and notice the huge mess on your bathroom counter. Think. . .I bet she isn’t even thinking about cleaning this mess up. I bet she expects me to do it. I bet she thinks I’m her slave. I bet, I kind of am.

6.) Take out the blue eyeshadow Halloween make-up and have the following conversation. . . .

Me: OK, lets put on some eye make-up.

Her:  Why?

Me:  Because Peacocks are fancy. . .and its Halloween.

Her:  But I’m going to have a mask on my face the whole time.

Me:  But you might want to take it off.

Her:  No I won’t.

Me:  You might.

Her:  I won’t.

Me:  It could get hot.

Her:  So.

Me:  You could die.

Her:  I’ll risk it.

Me:  Better put make up on just in case. And. . .clean underwear.

Ignoring child’s severely bad attitude, continue with your agenda. Blue eyeshadow.

Put white eyeshadow below the brow, and dark blue eyeliner (or blue Halloween make-up) above and below the eyelashes for added effect and drama.

6.) When she asks you if you are going to add body glitter, tell her NO! and to STOP STRESSING YOU OUT! Then add body glitter along her cheek bone and on her arms, because you forgot. And Oh! Dress up her pouty weird lips with a shade of light pink pearly lipstick.

7.) Then! Let her cover it all up with a store bought mask.

PS – Pack a cold water bottle in the car for when you pick her up. She doesn’t, in fact take off that mask for the  ENTIRE length of the Halloween Party. In a HOT OUTDOOR GARAGE. She’s going to need some liquids to rehydrate.