Ever call your kid a hooker to her first grade teacher, on accident?
And then have to tell your husband, because he is the father of said child.
A father who very much loves his daughter and does not think she is a hooker. Who is not going to be too pleased with his spastic wife, who has fat fingers and is iPhone crazy, and is completely overly obsessed with Twilight and should probably be put in some sort of program or something.
Why do I even bother asking? Nobody does that but me.
And just so you know. I don’t think my child is a hooker.
Him: Uh. Okay.
Me: And you have to promise not to yell at me. I already know I did a really stupid thing.
Me: And don’t even comment. Unless your going to say something supportive, or I love you.
Him: Okay. *looks terrified*
Me: You know how Evie (my best friend) got me turned on to Twilight?
Me: And that Evie loved Twilight so much that she started reading Fan Fiction, and then so did I?
Me: Well right now I’m reading a fan fic entitled “The Misapprehension of Bella Swan”. It’s really good.
Him: *glares at me*
Me: Okay, anyway. In all the fan fic that I read, there are two central characters. Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. Remember them? They were the characters in Twilight. Funny how the lead character Bella, has the same name as our daughter, Bella.. . . . . . . Ha ha ha ha.
Him: *looks at me disapprovingly*
Me: So in this fiction. Edward is a professional Hockey player. *the room starts getting hot* And Bella is a snarky 23 year old graduate student. They go through some ups and downs, a lot of stuff happens, and what do you know, Edward is ejected from a game for beating up another player, and Bella (the one in the story – not our daughter) runs to the locker room to make him feel better. They end up getting it on, right there in the locker room. *a deep fat pregnant pause* The Bella in the story. Not our Bella.
Him: *Lifts his eye brow, tilts his head a bit and continues to listen* Mmmm. Humph.
Me: *laughing nervously* Well ummm. . .*large gulp* Something large seems to be lodged in my throat. Well, that Bella (not our Bella) is so ridiculous. Sometimes it’s like she’s some crazy sex fiend hooker. Ha ha ha. *gulp* I mean, I’m saying that, but she actually says that very same thing in the story. So it’s not really my idea. Well anyway, I thought it was funny so I sent Evie a text saying this. . .
Bella is such a hooker. “I am so going to have locker room sex. Go me.”
Me: That’s quoted directly from the story. The second part, anyway. I kind of paraphrased the first part.
The pallor of his face changes. The blood is completely removed, all brown beautiful chocolate creaminess is gone, and my loving husband has become the ghost of the man he was 2 seconds earlier. Before I can whisper the words. He knows, this isn’t good.
Me: Evie didn’t get the text.
Me: *gulp* I accidentally sent the text to Bella’s 1st grade teacher, but I already called her and apologized for being completely dim witted and inappropriate, and stupid and I explained the whole thing, but I’m not sure if she believes me, but honestly why wouldn’t she believe me, who could make up some craziness quite this stupid. I know it was stupid. Really stupid.
And then he just looked at me, and changed the subject like he wasn’t surprised at this absurdity that is his wife.
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I am so toast.
But. . . . .I refuse to be the burnt up, black, cruddy kind.
Instead I choose to be completely yummy toast.
So yummy that Mr. Woo might forget that I’m a fat fingered, non paying attention google muffin.
I’ll be toast, topped with butter. Maybe I’ll do that Smart Balance alternative butter stuff, and then by default I’ll have more smart balance in my life? Its worth a shot.
And because I’m so darn cute and like my novellas spicy, I think we should add some cinnamon and sugar.
So toast isn’t soooooooooo bad.
It can be good too.
If you look at it the right way.
Cinnamon and Sugar Toast
Your favorite Sandwich Bread (I like Sarah Lee ~ Soft and Smooth 100% Whole Wheat)
Butter/Margarine/Smart Balance, room temperature
1.Turn oven broiler on to High.
2. Spread butter evenly over one side of the toast.
3. Sprinkle generously with sugar, followed by cinnamon. Place slices of bread onto a cookie sheet.
4. Broil in oven until sugar has melted and toast begins to turn a light brown. Remove from oven, cool slightly, and serve.