How to Get Your Sheets Really Clean

I gotta give mad props to Warwick for folding these sheets!

Only a crazy woman would tell this story, and admit that this was her family she was talking about.

As usual, this story starts with me. 

I was sitting at the computer, with Phoebe on one leg, and Soledad on the other, perusing through YouTube. An early lesson to my youngins on the merriment of music, and in particular, James Morrison.  We watched the You Give Me Something video, oh let’s say for the 20th time when my sweet handsome man arrived home from work.  All the children flocked to him, and those that could not for lack of walking abilities, where given to him.

I remained on the computer to type, write, and check emails, all things I had been trying to do since 8am, but flying Woodard Monkeys kept me from completing that task.  As I typed, the rowdiness in the background began to ensue. High pitched shrieks, thump, thump, thumping, and whines about food and starvation erupted.

And as usual, whenever anyone complains, fusses, or looks sideways, Daddy says . . . . . .

“Oh, it looks like somebody is tired.  Why don’t you guys go upstairs and put on your pajamas?”  It’s 6:30pm. They are not tired. Whatever, why am I complaining?

A chorus of pleases and negations can be heard, but in the end Daddy wins, and they all march upstairs to put on their jammys.

Moments later they reconvene in the living room.

“What is that smell?” Warwick chokes.  “Soledad come here. OOOOOOHHHHHH!  Where did you get that nightgown?”

“From under my pillow.” Eyes wide and lovely, not understanding why everyone was puking all around.

Soledad, go put that in the dirty clothes hamper right now!  That stinks, okay? Go and get a new nightgown.  Hurry, go!”

Warwick then strolls into the study, where I, The Great Purveyor of laundry, sit waiting to give counsel.

“What was that all about?”  I asked, as if I hadn’t heard every single word  in the other room.

With one eyebrow pinched upward, and his head tilted to the side, he smiles at me (so cute), and says “Dirty nightgown.  I told her to put it in the dirty clothes.”

And then, a conversation begins about nothing in particular at all, until I start hearing shrieks, moans, and groans. At first they were far away, and then slowly they began getting louder, and louder and louder. Soledad ran by singing, did a pirouette, and I noticed a pink silky nightgown flying like a kite, as she held her hand in the air.

I BLACKED OUT. Knocked completely unconscious.  When I awoke, the stench in the air was UNIDENTIFIABLE.  There are no words to describe how horrible that smell was. But let’s try.  It was rank, puke-ish, yet did not smell like puke, more like urine that has fermented for hundreds of years in a dark damp cellar at the center of the sulphur universe where a party is being given by 300 skunks in a rest stop bathroom.  Can you say, BARF!!!!!!!

“What the – – -? What’s that smell?” I said, startled and stunned as I looked around hoping for anybody to give me a clue.

“HER NIGHTGOWN,” He said rolling his eyes.

“And you told her to put that in the dirty clothes hamper?  Oh, no mister, that has to immediately go into the incinerator washing machine!”

And so it did, along with, you guessed it, all the sheets from her bed, pillows, quilt, the whole lot. 

I don’t know what happened, or how that stank got all up in that gown. My guess is . . . who am I kidding . . . didn’t I just say I don’t know?  Especially since that very morning, when I went upstairs to wake the girls, I laid down in Soli’s bed, and did not smell a thing.  That gown could not have been there that long, ’cause I change her sheets weekly-ish.  Oh well, no need to say I’m not perfect, I think you know that by now.

Today’s lesson:  Bed Linens 101. 

How to Get Your Sheets Really Clean

Bed Linens are an interesting sort of animal.  They need to be treated with a certain amount of respect and care, as our bodies give them a lot of wear and tear.

  1. Every night while asleep our bodies lose skin cells that may not be visible to our eye, but none the less they build up in our sheets. This makes it imperative to wash sheets in hot water, weekly. Water that is at least 120 degrees is most effective in removing dirt.
  2. Do not wash heavily soiled items with lightly soiled items, as this can lead to dinginess.
  3. Be sure to add enough detergent.  The detergent helps to suspend the dirt in the water.  If your items are really dirty, and you do not add enough detergent, the dirt will re-settle on the very items you were trying to clean.
  4. If your sheets are really dirty, you can add extra cleaning power by adding a laundry booster like Oxi-Clean. It enhances stain and dirt removal.
  5. A cup of vinegar added to laundry is an effective odor remover.
  6. Be sure to use the correct water level and don’t over crowd your items. Your sheets need room to move in the washer so that the agitator can get them fully clean.  Overcrowding your laundry will result in items that are less than clean.
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4 thoughts on “How to Get Your Sheets Really Clean

  1. “At the center of the sulphur universe”. Lol!!! This is so funny, especially because I too, have frequently encountered nightgown stench which seems to come out of nowhere. I think it’s because my daughters sweat puddles in their sleep. I love the pic! Too cute!

  2. Thank God! Thank you Ally for telling me that! Seriously, I was beginning to wonder about us Woodards. Atleast I know we are not alone!

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