Ssssshhhhhhh. Come here. *looks over her shoulder nervously* I need to tell you something, but I don’t want my husband to hear. He says it’s not funny. He thinks I’m going crazy.
Because. . .
I think my baby is a vampire.
Are you still there?
No, not the Transylvania, cape wearing, “I vant to suck your blood” type. The Edward Cullen, beautiful, sparkle in the sun, vegetarian, Twilight type. Don’t laugh. I’m not joking.
I know it sounds ridiculous. I’ll give you that. But just give me a chance to plead my case.
There have been a series of events that have occurred since the day she was born, and well, I’ll let you be the judge.
1. Phoebe (my alleged vampire baby) was not born under normal circumstances. The epidural that was administered did not work. I am convinced this is because no amount of pain killer can numb or mask a vampire infant chewing and clawing their way out of your coochy. I know it’s not her fault, I don’t blame her. It was just her natural instinct to tear open my cervix with her teeth/gums; she’s a vampire baby, she doesn’t know her own strength.
2. Phoebe is black (like the rest of my family), yet Phoebe is white. Hmmmmmm. Confused? I thought so. I am fair skinned this is true, so it is not unlikely that Phoebe would be fair too. But Phoebe is not fair, she is flat out white. Yes, I understand, genetics can play a roll in this. So don’t get all scientific on me. But does genetics make your baby’s skin sparkle in the sun? I don’t think so. See for yourself Exhibit A below.
3. She has tried to eat me before. My other children can attest to this. There is even a third grade composition written by a certain anonymous big sister, on this very topic. It clearly states, and I’m paraphrasing here . . . On numerous occasions, at night (is that surprising?) Phoebe has been cooing and gooing, and then out of no where Wham! She’s got a fist full of my mom’s hair, a tight grip on her hoop earring and her mouth suctioned onto her cheek. She tries to pull away and gingerly tell her “No, Phoebe honey. You can not eat mommy. Mommy’s are not good to eat.” But she just giggles, shakes her head, “no, no, no” and looks at her as if to say “Just wait lady, my incisors are coming in.”
4. Phoebe shares the same name as another well know child vampire. For those of you who have not read Twilight, well, I’m sorry you might not get this, but try and follow. There is a character named “Renesmee” who is a child vampire. Phoebe’s middle name is “Wren” pronounced “Ren”. They both have the same freakin’ name, almost. Well the first part of it anyway. This is not a joke people. This is our lives! And, and, and, there’s that character on “Charmed” played by Alyssa Milano, named Phoebe who is a witch, which is not a vampire, but IS a super creepy Halloween monster type thing.
So there, I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming; Phoebe is in fact a vampire. But, it’s okay, really. I think she has some mutated sort of vampire gene that allows her to survive off of formula, fruit and grains. She’s not really feeling vegetables. Anyway, I digress. I just thought it only fair to warn you, just in case she comes crawling your way, you can be prepared. Oh, and don’t even think about trying garlic on that kid. It won’t work. How do I know? ‘Cause she really digs these garlic breadsticks.
Whole Wheat Garlic Breadsticks
(You could use this same recipe with white flour, but it just won’t be as healthy. If you really like white flour, try using 1/2 white and 1/2 wheat, and you’ll still get a lot of the nutrition of the wheat 🙂 )
1 1/2 cups of warm water
1 teaspoon of white sugar
1 package of dry yeast or 1TB active dry yeast
1 TB canola or olive oil
1 teaspoon of salt
3 1/2 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
2 TB Butter/Margarine
1 clove of garlic chopped
1 teaspoon of Garlic Powder
Grated Parmesan
1 jar Spaghetti or Pizza Sauce
1. Pour water into a large bowl. Add sugar and dissolve. Next, add yeast and let sit until foamy, about 10 minutes.
2. Stir in salt, oil, and flour until combined. Knead on floured surface for about 8 minutes. Place the dough into a well oiled bowl, and cover with a kitchen towel. Let stand in a warm place for 1 hour.
3. After the dough has doubled, punch down and reform into a tight ball. Place back into bowl and let rise for an additional 45 minutes.
4. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
5. Melt butter. Add chopped garlic and garlic powder. Let sit while dough is rising.
6. After 45 minutes, roll dough into a 12″ pizza round. Brush dough with garlic butter and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.
7. Bake for 15 minutes or until crust begins to brown slightly. Serve warm with spaghetti/pizza sauce for dipping.
