Children. Come hither.
I have something that will change your lives.
Our lives.

No more anxiety about funky sharpened pencils where you can see the lead, you just can’t use it.
No more woes about pencil shavings that burst and have been strewn all over the floor from your lack of coordination and pencil holding skills when you rotate a pencil.
No more leg cramps as you stand over the trash can inhaling the fumes from last night’s dinner, while I yell at you to pay attention to what your doing while holding something sharp in your hands.

No more children.
No more.

Today is the day that your mother has brought home the King Sized Candy Bar.
The Popcorn Flavored Jelly Belly.
The light in your dark, dank world.

Look at this. . . ..
It’s a pencil sharper.

Brand: X-Acto.
Cost:  $6.97. The best darn money I’ve spent on this side of 2012.
No batteries needed.
Don’t let your shady little friends fool you. Electric is not better.
What you need, is the power that comes from your own little hands, bundled up into this. . . . . .

Sharp. Sleek machine.
With a clear gray plastic container to let you see the amazement that happens when a little piece of wood comes into contact with the rotating spindle of this little dandy.

I weep, dear children, I weep.
That you could know the love that I feel is due you.
That you will run home from the bus stop eager to do your homework because YOU KNOW, you will get to sharpen your pencils well.

At first, everyone will want to sharpen their pencils all at the same time.
Lines will form.
Arguments will ensue.
But worry not.
Everyone will have there turn.



Actual fight ensuing.


The machine is sturdy.
The machine is capable.
The machine will serve you well.

– – – – – – – – – – – –

I’m really excited about our brand new pencil sharpener. Can you tell?
I soon as I got it, I ran to call Warwick, and he was all “Oh. Yeah? A pencil sharpener?”

And I was all, “No, not just any pencil sharpener. It’s like the ones we used to have. In school. That you crank yourself!”

And he was all, “Like Grammi has? You could have just taken hers.”

And I was all “NO! Not like Grammi has! THIS ONE IS NEW! AND THIS ONE IS CLEAR!!! CLEAR!!! CLEAR!!! I tell you! You can actually see the pencil being sharpened as you wind it up! And the suction thing on the bottom works so well! Her suction always breaks! This one is better!!! IT DOESN’T EVEN NEED BATTERIES!!! IT’S ECO FRIENDLY!”

And he was all “Oh. Good. Good then.”

And I was all, “How rude. Bye.”

PS- Want one too? You can buy it at Walmart. This is not a paid post. I just bought a pencil sharpener and really loved it. Really. Really loved it. I thought you should know.