I was frantic.
8:30 pm. Grocery cart in hand. Standing in the middle of the Target grocery isle.
I speedily flew up and down the isles searching for semi-sweet chocolate, heavy cream, chips, snacks, breads, meats. Tomorrow is Bella’s birthday. My 070-684 sweet baby Bella. Who loves me so. Who has to play in a Softball tournament on her birthday. I’m determined to fix an array of all her perfect treats of fresh fruit, sub sandwiches, and chocolate cake. I have to make this day perfect. I want her to know how much she means to me. How my world is all shiny and glittery because she’s in it. I want her to know I love her.
I fly to the other end of the store. Looking for more presents. Then she’ll know.
I throw cut off jeans in the basket.
A cute glittery giraffe shirt.
Pens. Pencils. Markers.
I’m tired. But I press on. She’s only 6 now. But I want her to know. Know that she’s important. Know what lies in my heart. Then maybe when she’s older. She’ll remember her momma always loved her.
I think this trip will calm my frenzy. My anxiety as of late, but it doesn’t.
The week has been full of anxiety, pleading, crying, and lots and lots of talking about grown up things that sometimes kids have to deal with. None of which has anything to do 070-331 with Bella. But all the same, its taken its toll on me, my self esteem, and my fortitude, and now I question that which I know to be true.
The feelings that my children have for me.
Because today, the week ended with my second Mother’s Day Tea (this time with my 10 year old) which culminated in a lovely keepsake booklet with a letter and poems written all about me. About 85% of the class got up and read their poems to their mother’s, but my kid refused to. And she’s not shy.
I wondered why. Until I read them.
The first letter, was pretty straight forward.
Thanks for being the best mom ever. You make me breakfast and dinner everyday. You are caring and always think of other people. You help me with my home-work. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day. Love, Shelbi.
“Did you really mean that?” I asked. “I dunno.” she replies.
Okay. I move on.
Look. A poem. All about me.
I stop when I realize the poem is comprised of adjectives all about me. Adjectives like, “cranky, grouchy, yeller, non-fashionista.” I chuckle to myself, and one of the mom’s inquires about my poem. I read it to her verbatim. And she mumbles, “Well. . . . .maybe she meant to say not.” Yeah right lady. She probably meant to write, ‘My mom is NOT a non-fashionista.’ Not.
My stomach has turned queasy now. And although she included other adjectives such as blogger, good gardener, and weird, I’m really not interested in reading anymore. But I plug on. The next page includes some harsh critiques like I complain about making dinner, and that I wake up early, but ends in a resounding “I love you so much.” Though I can hardly believe it, I think well at least it doesn’t say “I feel ambiguous about you so much.”
The next page is full of ‘I’m sorry’s”. Sorry I hit my sister. Sorry I never clean my room. Sorry the house gets dirty so fast. Uuuggghhh. Way to drive the dagger in, and crank it round and round and round.
Boy, this kid has got one. bad. mother.
Turning the page to see what hell hath in store for me, and it says “Favorite Memories With You.” This aught to be good, I think.
Watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid. True.
Getting Thanksgiving Dinner Ready. No surprise there.
And then the next page says. . . . . . . .Everyday.
My daft heart hears her voice, and I understand..
I finally get it. I get her.
She does love me.
Despite it all.
Maybe because of it all.
BECAUSE I am that which I am. . . . grouchy, cranky, yappy, yelling non-fashionista. She loves me.
Everyday she loves me.
Not some days. Not that day.
THIS DAY. THIS EVERYDAY.
That means forever. Even if I nag. Even if I yell. Even if I wear hoodies until the day I die.
She loves me.
Happy Mother’s Day to me.
I just now got the feeling that I’m needed for the first time.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
And Happy Birthday to my other child who is not so hard to read.
I tell you what. Belly Belly.
Sometimes times are hard. And they drive us crazy. So don’t give up on me baby.
But life ALWAYS works out for the better.
The universe is a kind place. But I have a feeling you already know that.
You have a way of seeing the good in all things and all people.
Thank you for being my connection to the universe.
To all that amazes and delights.
Smile, smile, smile, giggle, laugh, giggle.
For you were made in the light of God.
Happy Birthday Light of my world! You are 7, hear you roar!!!!
Triple Chocolate Bundt Cake
adapted from Mad Hungry
If you’re having trouble seeing the light in the universe, have a slice of this and all will be right in your world. Super easy to make, it’s perfect to make when you need to throw together a cake, FAST!
PS – It’s likely you’ll have glaze left over. No worries. Use it to dip fruit, drizzle on pancakes, or lick off a spoon. Trust me you won’t have a problem finding uses for it.
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cups sugar, granulated
4 eggs, room temperature
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cocoa powder
1/2 tsp Cinnamon
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips or pieces
1/2 cup walnut pieces
1 cup buttermilk (none on hand? use 1 cup milk plus 1 TB lemon juice)
3 ounces of unsweetened chocolate (about 1 cup shaved)
1/2 cup sugar, granulated
5 1/3 TB butter
2/3 heavy cream
1. Preheat oven to 325. Butter the bundt cake pan.
2. In a large mixing bowl, with a hand-mixer cream butter and sugar, until light and airy. Add eggs, one at a time, and fully incorporate. Stir in vanilla. Set aside.
3. In another mixing bowl, combine flour, cocoa, cinnamon, baking soda, salt. Mix well. Add chocolate, and walnuts and toss to coat. This will ensure that they won’t settle at the bottom of the pan when cooking.
4. Alternating back and forth in three additions, add flour and milk into the butter mixture, ending with the flour. Just mix until blended. Don’t over mix or the batter will become tough.
5. Spoon batter into the bundt cake pan. Bake for 55 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Place pan on a cooling rack and allow to cool for 15 minutes. Remove cake from pan, and cool completely. Glaze.
6.To make the glaze: Place a heat proof bowl over a pot of simmering water. Add chocolate, sugar, butter and cream. Heat until melted and stir to combine. Drizzle over cooled cake, and allow to set for 15 minutes before eating. Enjoy!